Dana Cursi Professor Young April 30, 2015 Revision Letter
To
be successful revision I make sure to go through all of the comments that are
given to me. Before I even begin I look through my whole essay to see what was
good and bad, to see what needs to be done to get a general idea. When I get
the comments I start to look and fix them right away to have more time to look
at the changes that need to be done. My second essay in particular I believe is
my best revised essay. I took a lot of time making corrections on it and every
time I got corrections I made sure to address them all. But besides just addressing
the comments I also added more details throughout. That essay made me a better
writer because it helped me see how clear I should be in writing and how to
integrate quotes better too. For example, in my second essay I talked about
Ellen DeGeneres but instead of just saying her name thinking everyone knows her,
after corrections I made sure to describe her and what she does, and her
importance/connection to my essay. Also, when I begin to make those changes I start
with the grammar first and look at the whole essay to see what I need to fix.
Then once all the grammar is fixed I move to fixing the content and adding more
detail. After this class I learned a lot more about grammar and how to
incorporate ideas into my essay and have it flow. Also, I am more aware of what
different sentence errors and fragments look like.
When revising my essay I use now S.E.E.R. (state the main
point, example, expand, restate topic sentence), R.E.N.N.S. (reasons, examples,
names, numbers, sensory detail). Using those it doesn’t change my essay completely
it just adds more specifics and details which in the end help my essay. When I get
feedback I am willing to change and to try to create a new approach to better
my essay. I am willing to try a new approach because I know that the feedback I
get back is to help guide me and make me a better writer. When revising the
thing that frustrates me the most is when I struggle with trying to think of
how to reword something to get my point across. I could be thinking something
in my head but when I write it, it might not sound right and I’m not sure how
to get it on paper. When writing I write how I talk so that messes me up
because it might not always make sense and be proper grammar. When revising
what makes it easier is when I see comments that let me know what I should
change. Because I am the writer I don’t see what others might see when reading
my essay. So with comments it enables me to see what to change and realize what
I need to fix more clearly. Also, it helps to guide me in the right direction
with how to fix my essay to earn a higher grade in the end.
Have you ever heard some say, “One leap
forward and two steps back”? A lot of people would agree that is how they feel
regarding the Rutgers New Brunswick ban on fraternity and sorority parties.
This ban applies to all 86 of Rutgers Greek life organizations. The ban is
taking place due to different alcohol related incidents. Putting the ban out
was a smart decision. Banning fraternity and sorority parties at Rutgers was a
good idea because it keeps the campus safer, fewer death related incidents due
to alcohol, and keeps the kids more focused on school work.
School campuses try their best to keep their schools
safe. Rutgers has a fully staffed police department on each one of their
campuses. Trying to ensure safety and make everyone feel comfortable on campus.
They have emergency services, which are made up of different retired cops,
firefighters. There is also the blue light system around campus. The blue light
system is in case of an emergency and no phone students are able to press the
button to let authorities know where that person is. With everything that goes
on it makes it difficult for
Campus safety evaluated upon assault report (Larkin 1).
them to maintain that sense of safety.
“Maintaining a safe and healthy campus environment for all of our students is a
priority, and in light of a number of recent incidents over the past several
months involving Greek organizations and alcohol, the Office of Fraternity and
Sorority Affairs (OFSA) took this action out of caution and concern” (Gauba 1).
As the incidents started to increase with the parties they had to decide on a
plan to do something. Which is why the ban was important because they couldn’t
sit back and let the problems persist and not maintain the safety and health of
the campus.
With keeping the safety of the campus it will decrease
the number of alcohol related deaths. “Last year, the number of alcohol-
related incidents at the University went up” (Gingras 1).Trying to deal with this problem is very
difficult because it is extremely hard to get college kids to stop partying and
drinking as much. With the ban it enables them to decrease and manage it just a
little better. Some of the incidents that led up to the ban was, “In September,
19-year-old sophomore Caitlyn Kovacs died of alcohol poisoning after she was
found in “distress” at a Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity party. In a separate
incident, a 20-year-old Sigma Phi Epsilon member was hospitalized after he was
severely
intoxicated” (Gingras 1). Any number of deaths on a campus even if it
was just one death at a campus that is too much and both of those incidents
dealt with kids drinking too much. There should be more ways of preventing
deaths from occurring and the ban is just one of those ways.
Besides just preventing deaths, the ban also helps
students focus more on school work and less on drinking. To help the problem
with focusing on school, “Greek life should consider enforcing some degree of
control” (Gingras 2).Greek life
organizations should have a focus on school work and not just parties and
drinking. For my Greek life organization that I am in, Zeta Tau Alpha, is
strict about getting good grades and making sure we get library hours to do
well in school. Normally kids would save all their homework for Sunday nights
and would go out on Fridays and Saturdays. But now with the ban it allows kids
to not go out as much and party and stay in and focus on their work before
waiting till the last minute to do it.
Although some argue that kids are still going to go out
and party even with the ban, it still helps decrease the amount. The ban cannot
hold back every student on campus, but most understand the ban and are, “on
board with the ban because they wanted to avoid risking further negative
publicity that's surrounded Greek organizations on campus and across the
country this year” (Gingras 2). They haven’t handled parties as well as they
could have at Rutgers. This year the publicity the school hasn’t been that
great and they are trying to fix that. Having bad publicity at a University can
really hurt the high reputation schools try to keep. Thus hurting the amount of
incoming freshman that want to go to that school.
In conclusion, the ban is a smart decision because of the
many reason it will help out the campus. There will be better safety, less
death related incidents, bigger focus on school, and better publicity. College
isn’t just about partying and going out, students should focus more on the
academics. Focusing on that will help save lives so students don’t over drink
and go to crazy at parties. This ban could save a lot more lives.
Works
Cited
Gauba, Vaishali.
"Some Rutgers Students Frustrated over Greek Life Party Ban." USA
Imagine
you are sitting in a classroom and notice someone being bullied. You can hear
the bully making fun of the other student and you don’t know what to do. Would
you keep quiet or would you break the silence? There comes a time and place
when you can’t stay silent anymore and it is better to say something than to
keep quiet. In Dr. Martin Luther King’s speech, “Beyond Vietnam,” he talks
about why he is against the Vietnam War, and why it was time to break the
silence. Instances such as bullying, racism, and gay rights are appropriate
times to break the silence.
In
any school no matter the age or gender you will see some type of bullying.
Whether the bullying is violent, cyber bullying, or mentally abusive, it is all
around us. When this happens and no one tries to stop it, it just gets worse.
Statistics show that, “Bullying stops in less than 10 seconds, 57% of the time
when someone intervenes on behalf of the victim” (Craig & Pepler, 1997). If
students start to break the silence they could help prevent bullying from even
happening and all that it takes is if a person intervenes and defends the
victim. As Dr. King stated, “A time comes when silence is betrayal” (King, 1).
This relates perfectly back to bullying because if the bystanders don’t do
anything they are betraying whoever is getting victimized.
In
times like today with an abundant amount of social media like Facebook,
Instagram, and Yik Yak, many kids watch and see others get victimized and do
nothing about it to help or stop it. That is when it is time to break the
silence. A recent example was in McDonalds when a 22 year old transgender girl
got brutally attacked. During the incident kids would just watch or join in on
the attack. In the article, “'Everyone sat there and watched me get hurt': Victim of McDonald's beating
speaks out as fast-food giant goes into damage control," Paul Bentley states
that, “Staff not only allowed the abuse to continue, one employee - identified
as Vernon Hackett from images and comments he put online - filmed the incident”
(Bentley 1). This is a perfect example of how others just sat around and watch.
He didn’t chose to stop the fight and help her, instead he decided to film it
and upload it online. Breaking
the silence is everything that Dr. Martin Luther King fought for. Racism played
a huge impact on his life as he tried to bring everyone together no matter
their race. He was one of the few willing to break that silence during that
time period.Even today in 2015 there
are still some cases where racism takes place. But the question is who and when
can people break the silence? An example that is relevant to today with
breaking silence is the Eric Garner case. Eric Garner was a young African man
who died from resisting arrest from police. There were protests because his
friends, family, and community in Staten Island thought of it as police
brutality. There have been a lot of protests and talk about racism during this
incident. The protesters broke the silence and stood up for Eric in regards to
what happened to him and were demanding justice. They did this by coming
together and spoke out about how wrong he was treated by police and protested
in the streets with signs. In relation to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s speech he
states, “If we continue, there will be no doubt in my mind and in the mind of
the world that we have no honorable intentions…” (King 2). Meaning if America
continues to go down this path people will continue to not do the right thing.
After the case, protesters were brave enough to speak out on the unjust death
of Eric Garner. Instead of doing nothing, they broke the silence and protested
against racism.
Just like racism another issue that has been brought to
concern are gay rights. According to Gay Marriage ProCon.org statistics show
that, “As of Feb. 9, 2015, gay marriage has been legalized
in 37 US states” (ProCon 1). That statistic is only because people broke
the silence. For countless years gay marriage was always frowned upon, but
lately more and more people are starting to speak up and show who they truly
are. For example, Ellen DeGeneres, comedian and talk show host, came out and
revealed that she was gay on her talk show. This is important because this is
what Dr. Martin Luther King Jr would have wanted because during the war he was
one of the few to speak up and say how he really feels and show the people that
the war was not right. Everyone, including Ellen, are speaking up because if
they don’t, nothing will change. According to Dr. Martin Luther King states, “And
some of us who have already begun to break the silence of the night have found
that the calling to speak is often a vocation of agony, but we must speak”
(King 1). That relates perfectly to gay rights and speaking up because he says
that although it may be hard at first to speak up, it is important that people
do. Because if people don’t then we will never move forward. There comes a time and place to speak up. Although it is
important to stay silent at times it is equally as important to break that
silence during times likebullying, racism and gay rights. All
citizens have rights and if people do not speak up then their issues become
less important and unrecognized. Keeping silent will enable these violations of
rights to continue. America has come so far and these issues need to be
addressed in order to progress.
Works
Cited
Bentley, Paul.
"'Everyone Sat There and Watched Me Get Hurt': Victim of McDonald's
Beating
Speaks out as Fast-food Giant Goes into Damage Control." Mail
Online. Associated Newspapers, n.d. Web. 02 Apr. 2015.
"Education
Site." Bullying Statistics. N.p., n.d. Web. 02 Mar. 2015.
